January 19, 2021
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The Methuen Meat Maestro has been sexually harassing dozens of women with tall tales about his girth and sexual prowess. He forgot to mention that time he went to jail for punching his girlfriend in the ovaries when she wouldn't get an abortion, or planted a fake bomb at Methuen High School. This came up during his two bids for office and over 30,000 people voted for him anyway.
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