Tucker Carlson Says You Must Tan Your Testicles

Hey guys, hope you had a great weekend. I just thought I'd come back this morning and let you know that some very important things transpired. First of all, Tucker Carlson would like you to tan your balls. That's something you should know and no, I'm not kidding. Tucker Carlson thinks that you should bronze your twig and berries. How do I know this? He conducted a, I guess an interview, with a fitness guru or he calls him that who, who suggested this to raise your testosterone levels. So let's back up for a second. Last week it came out that Tucker had created this documentary End of Men and in End of Men, different than Children of Men, Tucker warned us that testosterone levels just were going down, it was a dangerous, dangerous low levels of testosterone. I'm sure it has nothing to do with evolution or pollution or anything else.

It's probably some sort of nefarious plot involving a pizza place and child trafficking or Hillary Clinton, but, but whatever it is that it's doing it, it's really got Tucker concerned and you'd understand that because Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson the forenamed heir to the Swanson fast food, Swanson frozen food empire, who grew up in the rough prep schools of La Jolla San Diego, dad was an ambassador under I don't know, Reagan or Bush, never really has had to work for anything in his life. That's the guy I think of when I think of masculinity, you know, I came to think of it even more though last week because last week he released a video and he showed us what we've been missing, how we can be more masculine. I mean, this, this was a work of art folks it was like performance art. You've got basically from beginning to end maybe a minute or so topless guys very well cut looks like a little greasy too swinging axes and wrestling with each or really sort of grabbing each other around, shooting guns while their muscles vibrate, and, and oh there's a great shot of a guy drinking really slowly you can sort of see the liquid go down his esophagus.

And finally there's like a dude who, who like I don't know if his nuts are on fire or he's recharging, it looks like it may be a charging station, so he's like naked and he may be recharging his testosterone. This may be sort of Tucker's god because the sky is bright behind him. But if, so if you want to sort of take the last week Tucker Carlson has released a video while complaining that manhood is ending, the video has a lot of sort of greasy strong men's, you know, wrestling and swinging axes and shooting guns and getting their junk all recharged in case your battery on your balls was down to about two percent and, and this is what is going to lead us back to, to manhood. This and obviously, you know, the, if we were to follow what Tucker tells us because Tucker conducts his interview with this, this fitness gentleman who tells us to bronze our balls, to get our testosterone back and Tucker I think, you know, wanted to go out of his way to show us what masculinity looked like.

So he conducted this interview in, with sock-less penny loafers on and his suit and sort of khakis, the outfit looks like he was probably born in. And so again, masculine Tucker Carlson telling us that if we want to reach the Swanson McNear Buckley, I don't know if it's his brother or somebody, levels of sort of, you know, manhood strength, like Hulk like virility, what we'll do is is that we'll all go we'll just tan our balls. And then I guess we'll show up in a video swinging an axe half naked. I, I can't wait for that, for the next trailer to drop, it's like when I was getting ready for Spider-Man No Way Home. I'm sure you can't wait too and we'll share that here.

A Democratic strategist and activist, best-selling author, podcaster, pundit and media advisor to candidates and causes, Cliff has impacted dozens of campaigns across the nation in a life that’s taken him from New York to DC to Cincinnati, were he rallies the resistance in purple America.

Follow Cliff Schecter on Twitter @cliffschecter