Subscriber Requests: Part 1

Alright, folks, buckle up! Today’s podcast episode is brought to you by the one, the only, Hawk—who, let’s be honest, may need an intervention for his microphone. It’s loose again, people. If this podcast had a production budget, that mic would have gone the way of Trump’s dietitian—a distant memory! After struggling to find a topic that wasn’t dark or depressing, Hawk did the sensible thing: he outsourced his job to the internet. Why spend time planning your show when you can let TikTok and Patreon comments drive your content? The man’s living the dream, folks!

And what did his highly intellectual audience request? The riveting tale of how Hawk adopted Tanner, a Chihuahua-dachshund who picked him like a desperate kid picking his parents at a divorce hearing. Some woman who looked like she wandered off Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tried to snatch Tanner away, but the dog sprinted into Hawk’s lap. That’s right—straight-up rejected reality TV for a life of podcasting mediocrity. Enter Lola, another dog from the same shelter because clearly, Hawk’s building a rescue dog cinematic universe here.

But hold on, Hawk veered into weather reports that make CNN look calm. And, as any responsible adult would, he followed up storm devastation with tales of totaling cars as a teenager. You know, like a public service announcement but with more vehicular damage. Kids, don’t fall asleep at the wheel, or worse—you’ll end up paddled by your Mormon vice principal. Just trust me, Hawk’s high school life was like a bad crossover between Fast & Furious and Fast Times at Ridgemont High… except with fewer cool stunts and more cringe-worthy life lessons.

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