Narcissist's Checklists: Mortification, Shared Fantasy

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ROMANTIC JEALOUSY TESTS

1. When the narcissist "loves" a woman, he socializes with her friends and family as well – if he does not love her, he rejects them, too.

2. When the narcissist loves a woman, he reacts to triangulation. If he does not love her, he does not react at all with jealousy, competitiveness, or possessiveness.

3. Women conform to the narcissist’s expectations and mould themselves in order to please him: women he loves play the sluts, women he does not love act as homely service providers

MORTIFICATION SIGNS

The mortified narcissist says:

(1) I am abusive (sadistic), crazy, and my own worst enemy (I inflict unendurable pain on myself by knowingly driving women who I love to cheat on me with predators or otherwise betray and abandon me);

(2) Even quasi-“men” are vastly preferrable to me (I am irredeemably disabled and inferior, not superior, infantile, not a man at all);

(3) I disrespected and berated myself, so people disrespect, fear, hate, and are revolted by me;

(4) I am not loved, not safe, and my needs and health are no one’s priorities: even my most profound need weighs less than the most trifling desire or wish of my “nearest” and “dearest”;

(5) The shared fantasy, post-traumatic state, dissociation, impaired reality testing, grandiosity, and dysempathy render me gullible, gaslighted, and an easy mark.

WHY NOT WITH AN ASEXUAL WOMAN?

Why does the cerebral narcissist insist on having promiscuous and dysregulated women as his partners? Why doesn’t he target asexual or sex-averse women (for example: victims of abuse or hyposexual)?

1. Choosing asexual women as partners would defeat the self-delusion of normalcy (same reason a latent homosexual gets married)

2. Sex – even the memories of the sex - guarantee addiction and continuing delusional hope, they bind the woman powerfully to the cerebral schizoid narcissist and this reduces the risk of abandonment

3. To convert his partner into a bad, persecutory object, thereby justifying and perpetuating the cerebral’s morally superior victim stance (Gabay’s Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood, TIV);

4. To reenact early childhood traumas with his rejecting and absent mother;

5. To test his partner’s unconditional love and allegiance;

6. To control his partner via her guilt and shame over her inevitable misbehavior with men as she seeks to cater to her most basic needs of love, intimacy, and sex;

7. It legitimizes defiance and contempt for his partner and restores a sense of grandiosity: she has to answer for her misdeeds, deceive, act, pretend, and be scared while the cerebral observes her pitiful squirming smugly and forgives her magnanimously;

8. Allowing his partner total freedom also guarantees that she will stay out of the cerebral’s affairs and let him be and delight in solitary pursuits within his solipsistic black hole (schizoid style).

9. To masochistically punish himself for his self-loathing and self-hatred owing to his disabling mental illness (“bad, unworthy object”). Such women guarantee extreme pain and mortification.

10. Sadistic narcissists use sex withdrawal to punish and control their partners.

Why remain in an abusive, dead relationship, constantly betrayed, humiliated, and reduced? Because multiple relationship failures in your past had convinced you that you can do no better, so why bother to try again, with someone else?

If you have a personality disorder, such gloomy self-disparagement is fully justified and realistic: all future liaisons are doomed to end in acrimony, cheating, and hurt.

Why not remain single then? Isn't it preferable to the hell of a dysfunctional dyad? It is - and most mentally ill people indeed end life alone, in a schizoid state.

But some narcissists require a shared fantasy with an insignificant other in order to avoid decompensation and depression. They settle for anything on the table, however lurid and degrading and render themselves unboundaried doormats.

Ironically, this very prostration drives their partners away, disgusted, disappointed, and angry at themselves for having settled for a spineless worm rather than a man. Having been repeatedly damaged, they recoil from any attempt by the errant narcissist to hoover, lovebomb, or groom them into a new round of approach-avoidance.

Sooner or later, this kind of narcissist is abandoned, time and again, until it is too late for him to find the next willing collaborator in his charade of a life unlived.

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