Prof Sam Vaknin
@samvaknin·443K subscribers·2.3K videos
Silent Treatment: What Is It, How to Tackle It
Posted
May 19, 2023
Views
64,504
Likes
3,316
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248
Engagement
5.53%
May 19, 2023
64,504
3,316
248
5.53%
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25:14Now Playing2 of every 3 people give the silent treatment. It is increasing as alternative modes of interpersonal communication become mainstream.
Silent treatment is (1) efficiently punitive (2) social (takes a perpetrator and a target) (3) manipulative (controlling) (4) emotionally distant (5) exclusionary (6) plausibly deniable (element of gaslighting: not abuse) (7) coercive (forces the victim to apologize) (8) alloplastic (9) preserves negative affects (10) addictive (11) expressive (displeasure, disapproval, frustration, anger, disappointment, contempt) (12) creates uncertainty (13) attention-seeking (14) negating
Shunning, stonewalling, ghosting, blocking, banning, deleting comments between individuals – but not Tactical ignoring.
Passive givers perceive silent treatment as graceful, dignified, and conflict-avoidant.
Responsive to pressured requests, pleas, demands, or criticism.
Both verbal and bodily (avoidance of eye contact, physical distance)
Generates in both giver and receiver threatened needs of belonging, self-esteem, and meaningful existence. Giver’s perceived control enhanced.
Activates same area in brain that codes for physical and emotional pain anterior cingulate cortex.
What to do about silent treatment?
Chill rather than silent treatment: ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later, in 1 hour.’
Voice the pain of being ignored (Margaret Clark, psychology professor at Yale)
Set Healthy Boundaries
Communication protocols (I statements and naming the situation)
Acknowledge other person’s feelings
Apologize only if justified, do not reward (positively reinforce) silent treatment
Practice self-care
Don’t take it personally
Stay calm
Use humor
Avoid escalation, blaming, shaming
Seek help and succor
LITERATURE
Williams, K. D., Shore, W. J., & Grahe, J. E. (1998). The Silent TreatmentPerceptions of its Behaviors and Associated Feelings. Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 1(2), 117141.
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