Narcissistic Abuse Checklist: 100 Tips for Survival and Healing

Narcissistic Abuse Healing and Recovery Playlist

Abuse, Trauma, Recovery, Healing are states of mind: from submissiveness and abrogating self-control to humility and assuming responsibility

COPING STRATEGIES

NO CONTACT

GREY ROCK

DEFLECTION

MIRRORING

SHARED PSYCHOSIS

PROVIDE SUPPLY

WITHHOLDING/PUNITIVE

INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT

HEALING

Overcome prolonged grief: truly let go/abandon the narcissist

No Contact rules

Multiple mourning:

over your discarded, delusional idealized self,

over the narcissist as your mother,

over the narcissist as your child,

over the narcissist as the perfect lover,

over the betrayal,

over the loss of innocence, inability to love/trust again

over the fantasy/dream of the future.

Six stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and hope

Get rid of victimhood identity, take responsibility for your actions, choices, decisions, and contributions to your predicament.

Abandon the Narcissist’s Inner Child

Reverse the roles

You script and direct, he acts and is a prop, whether he is physically present or not (introject).

Own the narcissist by appropriating his roles and then constellate/integrate the parts

Separate-individuate

Separation: silencing narcissist’s voice in your mind

Individuation: once narcissist’s voice silenced, both abuser and savior, mother and child are gone.

Authentic voice is disembodied.

Embodying: individuation requires mind-body work: owning your voice also by connecting it to your body.

Reconstituting three lost functions:

self-mothering (self-love),

self-saving (agency),

choosing and affirming life (negating depression, anxiety, catastrophizing, and ANTS)

Learn to Love Yourself (Self-Parent)

1. Self-awareness

2. Self-acceptance

3. Self-trust

4. Self-efficacy

Regain these truths:

Narcissistic abuse challenges assumptions about the world, people (theory of mind), and relationships (internal working model, IWM):

1. People are rational and self-interested, but most people are good.

2. Justice, order, and structure are fundamental to the universe. Reality and people in it are trustworthy.

3. The world is not hostile. At worst, it is indifferent.

4. One good deed deserves another (vs. no good deed goes unpunished). If you try hard enough and are sincere, things will work out.

5. You gain credit with people when you behave well. This credit is not forgotten, nor ignored.

6. Reality is a shared experience (intersubjectivity). People are very much the same.

7. Being alone is worse than being together.

8. You deserve love.

9. You can trust yourself: your judgment, reality testing, self-love.

10. There is always a way to undo wrong and evil because they are rarely intentional. Regret, remorse, guilt, shame, and conscience are common to all people.

9-fold Path to Healing

BODY

Attention (self-empathy)

Regulation (control)

Protection

MIND

Authenticity

Positivity

Mindfulness

FUNCTIONS

Vigilant Observer

Shielding Censor (from hostile introjects)

Reality Sentinel (reality testing)

7 Resolutions for a Narcissist-free Life

1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.

2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.

3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.

4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant - but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic - but I will love and care for myself.

5. I will get to know myself better.

6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.

7. If I am habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored and breached I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chance will be my maxims of self-preservation.

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