When Is It OK to CRY? 3 Rules

Crying is a form of signaling: it conveys information to the environment about distress, hopelessness, helplessness, sadness, and despair.

Crying is anxiolytic because it is a behavior modification cue, akin to anger (indeed, the two often co-occur). Babies cry in order to modify adult behaviors. This restores a sense of safety (“everything will be OK”).

Crying is a form of psychosocial sharing and “sharing is caring”. It is therefore soothing.

Albeit inexorable and uncontrollable, crying is also a kind of self-regulatory behavior. It is like crossing the Rubicon.

Regrettably, crying is stigmatized and linked to all manner of dysfunctional behaviors, traits, and dynamics (e.g., affective dysregulation). It is often cast as fake and manipulative.

Crying is a sign of weakness, fragility, and vulnerability and opens the door to exploitation by predators and maltreatment by abusers. It is a risky behavior.

So, when is it socially OK and self-efficacious to cry?

1. Only in a friendly environment, never in an indifferent or hostile one;

2. When alone, as an act of self-pity or self-soothing, seeking relief;

3. When crying is likely to avert, avoid, or modify circumstances or behaviors that might lead to adverse outcomes or engender and foster succor, support, and help.

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