TWO RULES: To Compromise is NOT to Self-sacrifice, Self-deny
June 30, 2025
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11:40Now PlayingTWO RULES: To Compromise is NOT to Self-sacrifice, Self-deny
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as posted by the channelYou must distinguish between compromises and self-denial.
COMPROMISES
Compromises are essential to the smooth operation of a relationship. They are transactional: no give without take! No quid without quo!
Compromises ought to be balanced exchanges and feel right and fair (ego syntonic).
SELF-DENIAL and SELF-SACRIFICE
These kinds of behavioral strategies are driven either by separation insecurity (abandonment or separation anxiety) or by a general tendency to people-please.
Self-denial and self-sacrifice are one way streets: only give, no take (the other person’s continued presence is the only “take”.)
Self-denial and self-sacrifice are, therefore, anxiety reactions to catastrophizing (“she will get angry or disappointed and she will leave me”).
THEORY OF MIND
Self-denial and self-sacrifice trigger two psychological constructs:
1. A theory of mind (the result of mentalization, imagining what goes on in the minds of other people and what makes them tick).
When the theory of mind is anxiogenic and fantastic it leads to anxiety and to catastrophizing with results in self-defeating, self-denying, and self-sacrificial mitigation behaviors such as people pleasing.
2. An internal working model (IWM) regarding how relationships with other people work structurally and functionally.
Again:
When the IWM is anxiogenic and fantastic it leads to anxiety and to catastrophizing with results in self-defeating, self-denying, and self-sacrificial mitigation behaviors such as people pleasing.
WHAT TO DO
Two simple rules:
1. Always ask: “What’s in it for me?”. Always insist on an equitable, fair, balanced give and take.
2. Make a written list of the most catastrophic consequences (“If I don’t do as she says of expects, if I fail to please her, she will leave me or fight with me and then avoid me, not care about me, stop loving me”).
Keep imagining these intolerable, terrifying outcomes every day multiple times a day. If you can, read aloud these doom scenarios multiple times a day.
These exposures to the worst that could happen will desensitize you and ameliorate the attendant anxieties.
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