Last Night's Democratic Town Hall in 90 Seconds

The top Donkeys met last night for a CNN town hall-style forum, scheduled at the last minute before the Iowa caucuses. Didn’t catch it? No problem, because we burned through the bull to bring you everything you need to know in 90 seconds. Watch the video above to see all the uncensored Dem-on-Dem action.

First up was Bernie Sanders, and B.S. was full of promises. They ranged from the inadvisable to the impossible, from free healthcare for all without rising costs to free college for all without rising costs.

Setting aside the price controls and bureaucratic rationing that would require, there’s just one catch. To pay for his estimated $18 trillion in additional spending over the next 10 years, which is almost as much as the current national debt owed from multiple centuries of fiscal mismanagement, Sanders either has to debt-smother your children or raise taxes. While he’s presumably going to have to settle on some combination thereof, he admitted only to the latter last night.

While Bernie was eating his free lunch, Martin O’Malley wandered into the room and rolled up his sleeves (literally, and very deliberately). Touting his record, O’Malley shifted to local politics, claiming that only he has a plan to revitalize America’s cities.

Let’s just hope this revitalization doesn’t look like the one that has occurred in the shining city on the hill of which he was mayor from 1999 to 2007, Baltimore. That model for the modern, gun-controlled city last year experienced the highest per-capita murder rate in its history and a near-record number of shootings. Progress!

And finally, emerging from the fog of classified email was the most relatable version of Hillary Clinton we’ve seen yet.

OK, maybe not.

In the midst of a perfect storm of political platitudes, Hillary found time to deny that she had done anything wrong, ever—with regard to her emails, Benghazi, the “scumbag Woodstock” that Libya has become more generally, you name it. The Secretary can only wonder who wouldn’t prioritize convenience over their sworn duty when transmitting sensitive national security information.

While Russian and Chinese hackers sure do appreciate her transparency, a hundred FBI agents and countless Libyan civilians might beg to differ.

But don’t worry, America. In case you were wondering, that wasn’t a huge spider eating Hillary’s neck, it was just a stupidly large microphone.

And that’s really the main thing we took from the Democratic town hall.

Produced by Paul Detrick and Justin Monticello. Music by Casetofoane.