Remy: Horrifying Tweets Resurface

Remy returns to the news desk to bring you what passes for journalism these days.

Written and Performed by Remy.

Music tracks mastered by Ben Karlstrom.

Produced and Edited by Austin Bragg.

LYRICS:

Trudeau denies the report. Ed?

A rough week for Canada's first black prime minister. Thanks, Tim.

A problem long posed, now finally an answer

A cure has been found to a rare form of cancer.

We'll tell you who found it, what he thinks this means,

And dig up some tweets from his early teens.

Plus the Good Samaritan, whose quickness and breadth

Saved a family of four from a fiery death.

We'll ask how he did it, how he made it in time,

And why he tweeted this back in 2009.

Uh, Ed? Yes, Tim. Forgive the defiance

But I think we should focus on the news part, the science

And not what they tweeted back when they were 10

The science, hmm. I'll try it again.

Archaeologists have unearthed a series of tweets

Made by this local hero when he was 13.

Will this middle-school tweet soon mean his demise?

Our report might just win the Pulitzer Prize.

Pulitzer Prize? In what? Scrolling down?

We found immature things immature people wrote down.

Our country's at war and that's the story we sought?

War coverage, yes—I'll give it a shot.

This Navy SEAL unit is now under fire

For a series of tweets, we'll take our magnifier

And pay no attention to how their recent life's been

And tell you what you should think that says about them.

Says about them? What's it say about us?

That the first thing we do after someone's discussed

Is comb through their childhood looking for dirt.

OK, I can do this, I assure you I'm cured.

Well she's the first woman to serve on the board

Of our town's city council—and she just signed an accord.

We'll comb through the details of what she did write

And through years of her tweets in hopes of wrecking her life.

OK, see, I hate this, this is just what we do

Make things controversial for clicks and for views.

When we're covering news, should our first thought each time

Be "Let's find what they tweeted back when they were nine"?

Finally, millions can now walk thanks to his prosthesis

But a hateful hand signal when he was a fetus

Leads many to now question what he promotes.

We'll toss him in a well and see if he floats.