My Relationship Status

A spoken word thing I wrote about relationships and my relationship status. Enjoy!

instrumental by Nevermind the Name

Animation by Steele

Get my music on iTunes/Spotify

Become a Patron

Merch Store

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

My voice is the same as silence if there isn’t anyone to hear it

and silence is my biggest fear. the fear of being forgotten

So I closed the coffin on my victories for a moment,

And let them die and realized I couldn’t even shed a tear

If I continue to dig my heels into my past

My future could drastically change,

But the thought of letting go of what might last,

Feels like something I may never do

And to be honest, my own thoughts were all I ever wanted to hear

Before I realized killing you was killing a sacred deer

I don't think I'm depressed anymore

but I'm learning about all my inadequacies

and how even when my depressive thoughts faded

like a cancer, they morphed and mutated into different fables

like hearing yelling from a broken relationship two units down

to where I can't make out the syllables but I understand the violence

and when I decide give that damage to someone else, the body count rises. it never stopped

I keep swearing to myself that I'll change. That life would be a constant upward trajectory

of self improvement and gratification

but everyone goes silent when they catch a glimpse of the caked blood on my hands that won't seem to wash off

the charming wolf in wolfs clothing trying to be good

but once the scent presents itself it's only a matter of time before the cycle repeats and someones heart has to die

but i've learned that the need to love someone is less to do with empathy and more about that endless

pit of narcissism everyone has but no one will admit to. A selfish need to absorb and duplicate. Whether it be for money, sex, status, security, insecurity, co dependence, or

just simply something to do because you're bored. There will always be smoke even if they say the gun isn't loaded. There is always gravity even when we're floating.

Everyone wants a horizon. a happy ending. but nobody told

me that once that horizon comes for us, it doesn't stop. like a reverse locomotive, time will rain down dust into the cogs of out memories until

is becomes was and was becomes a distant why?

Why was I so hungry for acceptance and belonging when I knew I didn't belong. I didn't want this. I didn't need this

How did I get here and when will I learn that

Ripping off the edges of every square and then crushing it into circles expecting love without giving love in return

is the reason ill probably stay alone instead of bulldozing the life out anyone willing to let me in

because every time I find someone

I break them

or they break themselves

or we break each other

and we try to put the pieces back together

but it never looks the same

it doesn't fit

nothing fits

nothing lasts

nothing works

and we try to put the pieces back together

but it never looks the same

nothing matters

but then I realized, what is life without love? without interaction and collaboration?

without someone to hold your hand and grip it tighter when you're starring into the maw of problems you can't understand

without a soul accepting mutually assured destruction over dying with an incomplete checklist of frivolous ideas that never came to fruition.