The Ten Types Of Republicans

The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute takes an in-depth look at the Republican Party and breaks them down into 10 distinct types.

Cartoon Transcript (some say the voices are heard to hear)

VO: Today's Republican Party is quite diverse

And spans all walks of life.

So grab a chair and sit right down,

As we break them down into ten basic types.

If you ask Mr. Money Bags about the meaning of life

He'll say "Ain't a damn thing funny"

Because the only thing that's important to him is

"Where's the money? Where's the money? Gimme the money."

This millionaire cum billionaire

Who favors low low tax rates

Wants to keep his wealth all to himself

Not support public programs he hates.

"To hell with the lower classes", he says

"Those people are all worthless cogs!"

"I need to buy mink-fur-lined toilet seats"

And diamond jewelry for all of my dogs!"

He also hates the inheritance tax

"This policy I oppose!"

Because his spoiled daughter needs every last cent

To snort it all up her nose.

Mr. Warhawk's idea of diplomacy

Is yelling "Let's solve everything with war!"

Just as long as his kids aren't in the army you see

And it's made up of the brown and the poor.

He thinks he's a military genius, too

Smarter than Sun Tzu and ol' Colin Powell

Even though his only military training's from

Watching "Red Dawn" staring C. Thomas Howell

Mr. Bibleton is a born again Christian

Just like his best buddy the prez

And they're both devout believers in Christ

Only...Not so much in what he says

Jesus' words of helping the poor and needy

Are all right there in the Bible

But if you ask if he believes it's true he'll say

"Um... I believe that might be a typo"

They care not 'bout Aids in Africa

Or spreading love in the world today.

What issue are they most concerned about?

"Makin' sure the TV don't turn us gay"

And here's Mr. Contrarian

He hates liberal causes and cases

If you say Global Warming melts the polar ice caps

They'll say "No it isn't" til they're blue in the faces

He's often on Yahoo news message boards

Typing in all caps and in the dark

Or perhaps you'll find him in Hollywood

Writing plot lines for South Park

Mr. NRA likes guns more than people

That's why (boom boom boom boom)

And he (boom boom boom boom boom)

(boom boom boom boom boom)

...Even though most Americans support gun control

and banning cop-killer bullets.

In business school Mr. Frat learned that

Corporate group-think is always quite right.

Which explains why he's such a super fan

Of Dane Cook, Fox News and Coors Light

He hates affirmative action, though

For he feels it's a government gyp

"People should have get their own damn jobs in the world"

Like he did at his dad's hot tub dealership.

If forced to pick a political slogan, though

And choose a motto that fits

Mr. Frat would think for a moment and say

either "Woo-hoo!" or "Show us your tits!"

Mr. Log Cabin likes spending his time and money

Helping Republicans campaign to win

Even though most of the folks he's voting for

Think his existence is a mortal sin.

And why is he such a staunch supporter

Of a party that so hates his guts?

"Because achieving equal rights is less important

Than getting upper bracket tax cuts."

Then again, he may be a genius so

Let's take all of our criticism back.

For he knows if Republicans remain in charge

Gay soldiers can't be sent to Iraq.

Mr. Numbnuts is a hard working fellow

And though he ranks among the working poor

He consistently votes for a party that boasts

Of killing free health care on the Congressional floor

But is he angry with these rich old men

Who say they'll never raise his minimum wage?

Well, not while there's plenty of beer and wrestling

To channel all his misplaced rage.

The original minutemen risked their lives

Defending us from English imperial power

What are today's minutemen defending us from?

Busboys making three bucks an hour.

Some say they're dedicated patriots

And others, an over zealous mob

Irregardless someday it'll be more cost effective

To hire an illegal to do their job.

And last is an Eisenhower Republican

He's a fan of fiscal restraint

He's also cautious with military intervention

He knows what's a war and what ain't.

He's a thoughtful, decent, honest man

Who thinks that in order to win

You must be a moderate who unites all people

And...Whu-oh, looks like there's no room for him.

Yes, the Republican party's an intriguing quilt

of politics, personalities and...(rat-a-tat-tat-tat!)

All housed together under one giant insane circus tent.