Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

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Refuse All Contact

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings -- but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.

But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts -- decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

Return all gifts he sends you.

Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters.

Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

Do not discuss him with your children.

Do not gossip about him.

Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs -- or his.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him -- when and where possible -- to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

Insist on Your Boundaries -- Resist Abuse

· Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

· Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

· If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

· Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

· If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

· Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

· Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

· Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

· Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

· Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

· Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

· Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

· Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

· Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

· Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

(From the book "Malignant SelfloveNarcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 ebooks, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships)