BDSM and Role Play are not Narcissism (ENGLISH responses)

The Narcissist's Psychosexuality: From Fantasy to Deviance and Beyond (ENGLISH responses) - Part 10 of 22

QUESTION (translated from Hungarian)

11. Sam, there is probably nobody who knows more about this topic than you, because you have the largest database in the world. As you have told, you have had about 1,700 diagnosed narcissists fill in a detailed questionnaire, based on which you could understand their sexuality as well. In our last interview you mentioned an important thing: namely that you have never met a narcissist who had a normal sex life. Neither did I. Let’s talk about this honestly and without judgement, as you always do. Because I do believe that this could help a lot of people understand that what they have gone through (either as a narcissist or as a victim) is actually not uncommon and not unique.

Let’s start with one of the most common behavior: BDSM. Hungarian people often don’t understand what it is, so it is important to explain it.

In Wikipedia we can read the following: BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving Bondage & discipline (B&D), Domination & submission (D&S), Sadism and masochism (S&M). In the past it was labeled by the simpler expression sadomasochism (SM).

BDSM is an umbrella term for sexual behaviors that are characterized by role play in pursuit of sexual pleasure, in a way that the dominant and the submissive roles are excessively separated. The two characters are a “master” or “mistress” (dom or dominatrix), and a passive “slave” (sub). Switches are individuals who find both roles satisfying. Therefore, in some cases they take on the dominant role, while in other cases they play the sub. In such cases, sexual pleasure is controlled and generated by causing and enduring pain, the feeling of being exposed to the partner’s will and other emotions of this kind. Sexual intercourse is typically not involved in such activities, or only to a small part.

Fetishism or different kinds of role play make an integral part of BDSM sessions. In such cases, causing pain is not necessarily involved. Sexual pleasure or arousal is often generated by the situation itself, through communication (typically verbally abusing the sub), the touch of certain materials (typically latex, leather or rubber) or clothes or other objects made thereof (e.g. lingerie, shoes, boots or sexual accessories), or the mere touch of certain body parts. BDSM (unlike sexual intercourse) basically does not lead to sexual satisfaction through bodily contact but by other means. Therefore, related fantasies can be very unique and variable.

I guess it is this hierarchical relationship (dominance and submission) that makes BDSM so appealing for narcissists. Please tell us more about its psychological background.

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